WHAT COMES TO MY MIND

it's been 3 month since my last log. looking back at my last entry it's a bit funny to me, at the same time i feel i've matured even more in God. victory is so sweet after the battle is won. as you all can see my life did not end in fact i am very safe and sound. in the past three month i've realized how important life is. the devil knows that too and he is always trying to destroy us. since my last entry that same day i didn't want to go home i spend all day at my high school best friend's house they were nice enough to me to have me there all day and join their family for christmas. but i had to go home at some point. i didn't want to go home, the minute i step out of her house i started crying again feeling sad and self destructive. i wanted a direction. i was driving didn't know where i was going to go. so instantly i thought of hospital, emergency room is 24hrs i can cry all i want and it won't be so cold there. so i drove to the nearest hospital. i parked my car walked in and started to cry my eyes out. as if someone really had died... i kept crying for like 20 mins all i can think of is how unfair i got treated and how unfair this world is to me. i couldn't think of anything to help me stop at that time i've pretty much cried all day i was tried and drained. a while late i've realized i got defeated i let my life out of control satan has completely taken over. once i realized the situation i knew i need to get myself together. i want to go home i need to be loved i'm not going to do stupid things to myself. life is hard but we do have choices. i began to think about my family my future my kids in the future and how much things that i still haven't done or experienced. i went home at 3 am day after chrismas eve. Jesus wasn't treated fairly but he did not end his own life. we all have a destiny in our life waitng for us to fullfill. I began to look back at my life, my mom was pregrant with me back in 1986 she almost lost me 8 times. each month she had to go get checkups for shots and medicines. finally by the time she gave birth to me i didn't cry when i was born the doctor told my parents that i was going to grow up unhealthy and have mental issues. my parents were devastated they begin to think to give up on me but my grandfather had faith in me he saved my life otherwise i would have been aborted. then when i was 7 years old my mom came to the states for work my dad felt insucure so he divorced my mom. at the time i didn't know what was going on i just knew i won't be seeing mom anymore. after about a year since their divorce my dad was sentenced to jail for 12 years. i basically grew up with my grandparents. they were alot older than my friends grandparents i realized later on my dad was adopted when i was 7 my grandparents were already in their late 60's early 70's. it was reallly hard for them to take care of me. both of them had alot of sickness. my dad owe alot of debt at that time we always had people knocking at our door at midnight. growing up i hated when the day gets dark i get so affraid to have to lights off. growing up with out both of parents left deep wounds in my heart. i don't know how it feels to have parents. i don't know how to become a mom to my own kids. long story short my grandmother passed away when i was 9. that really hit me dhe died next to me while we were sleeping around 3 in the morning. her and my grandfather are the two loved ones i know at that moment. they are the best people in the world to me. i was so young a naive that i believed good people don't die. i was so lost i wanted to know where she go. at that time i wasn't saved i didn't know anything. then my grandfather became my only backup. he got really sick after my grandmother passed away. i didn't know what to do beside looking at the days passing by us. not even a year later he passed away. for some reason i tried to held back my tears i wanted to be tough. i didn't cry. then i lived with one of my mom's sister. i didn't really connect with her family i felt like an orphan. i didn't go to school much since my parents weren't around. the place i lived in china wasn't very safe. at that time i was still a kid, i had no chioce but hanging out in the streets by myself. i would steel all kinds of things for the thrill of it. spending hundreds of money buying things to fullfull my empty heart. i was lost at the age of 11 i wondered what is the purpose of life. then my mom sent out an invitation for me to come to the US. at first i didn't want to come but i was desprate for a change so i came. i barely remember the memories we had. we struggled forever to get along. we were seprated for 5 years. she seems to be a complete stranger. her standards are totally too high for me to accomplish. its not that i don't want to it's just i never had the habit of studying. my grades fail miserbly but she tried so hard to help me but i had zero interest. thru my teenage years under my mom's parenting i had tutoring till the last year of my senior year of high school. i concidered myself a good kid, i wasn't influnced by any of my friends i never did drugs i don't steel anymore and i didn't join any gangs i just had bad grades. but i still didn't know where is my life going...
looking back at all those things the devil is trying so hard to mislead me. after i graduated from high school i went to vidal sassoon top 3 beauty school. the enviorment was very streeful i closed up myself i don't know how to express that feeling but i wasn't happy. i was very negative everytime i open my mouth bad words seems to fallow. when i was about to graduate that's when i came to impact harverst church. it caught my interest, everone seems happy. i wanted to know more what are they up to what is behind their gatherings. i went to my first camp in my life. one that i never will forget. the last night of the camp the pastor prayed for me all he said was "eventho your earthly father was never there for you your heavenly father has always been there for you, and he knows you and he loves you" as i'm typing this i still have tears in my eyes. i've found the answer that i've been looking for all my life. god exsists, he is real, he is among us. hes the one that's been watching over me, he has a plan for me since the day i was created. i am not an accident. the devil is trying to steel my life away but god has found me. i've always wondered so many worset things could've happened to me when i was in china but it didn't. y didn't i get into any relationships in high school y am i not hurt? who's watching over me? i felt like a kid who was lost for so long and just got united with my father. then i knew i belong to him the one and only living god. then after i graduated i got a job at the top 20 salon in the US. same situation long hours. always under stress and presure. i was full of hate and pride. i missed one sunday service after another then i stoped going at all. thru god's mercy and grace i was able to come back to him each time i backslide.
in the mist of all that a boy came in to my life. my first relationship :) i knew exactly what i wanted i want my first boyfriend to be my husband i just want one relatioship. so i told him that and he wasn't scared by my decisions. so our journey began. (details will be on the next blog)
well in the past three month i've learend life is not a mistake, we are not in control god is, satan will try to mislead us from our destiny but we can make the right choice to shut him down. god loves eventhou we are not perfect he loves us for who we are. he gives us hope.