Dear god:
u’re the only one I can talk to isn’t that sad? This world left me with no choice but to talk to u. If u're even here, why is it so hard to just make a living y does it have to be so complicated since life is so short. y does the pepople closes to u have to hurt u all the time. i feel so hopeless and helpless. i know it's not right to take my own life away but seemlike i don't have the option to stay alive. nth seems meaningful to me, i can't feel joy and happiness i can't seem to even communicate with others. im a human that lives like a handicaped. if there were an alien race i felt like an alien living in a human body. traped in a world that i don't belong to, nth here seem to interest me, and nth here seems like it need me. i didn't have a normal childhood, not a normal family, i do want to make things normal not perfect just peaceful can calm, and seems like that won't even happen. as a human being that believes there's a god theres atleast one person cares for me when others fail. but i don't feel that anymore either. i feel like a dead soul my spirit is fading away eaten by dead cells. my own flesh is not even fighting for itself. everything seems to be given up. it use to work for me to think abt there's people out there with worst situaion and make my self feel alittle better but now that doesn't even work. i use to like bring happiness to ppl by giving surprising and helping them. people just don't even seems care anymore. my heart is turning cold and stone hard. feelings doesn't exsist for me. anger and hatetred became closer they're dragging me to their own world. i have no patience what so ever nth seems to matter. wish i had the strength to walk off to the streets alone. maybe then time will go by slower and i will evaporated into thin air. i have nth to grab on to expect with a hope of god.
All I seek in life is love, love from family love from friends and love from my other half. I don’t seek for fame or popularity. I don’t see y is it so hard to accomplish that. After living on earth for 23 years, I still can’t seem to feel any of those 3 am I that hard to be loved? Am I not worthy to be loved? I suppose god Is the only one that loves me, then I guess I need to go see god. Living in pain and vain every second can throw u off like a lunatic. I think I’m normal, but at the same time I think I belong to a mental hospital. Crying doesn’t seem to help but, that’s the only emotion I feel. Each teardrops of I feel like blood is dripping from my heart. My heart Is pumping with anger and grief. depression seems to be my only status. everything i can think of is negative. fear of dying is closer to me by the minute. hell or heaven? maybe stuck on earth in between. whats after my heart stops i don;'t know will it be any better than right now? i really hope so. god if u know me well right i am a coward scared of pulling a knife and end my own life because in u that's a sin. if i do so then i won't even have the chance to see u. sitting here at work typing this message and feeling all these emotions makes me step out of my shell and look at my self and say. "how sad" and who cares? who really cares? no one! not even the computer im using, monitor staring back at me in peace. silently like usual reflecting the words from my heart. it's not the first time i feel like dying, my heart aches so much thinking of the memories i had. the smile on my face, with family with loved ones. but at the same time pictures of them yelling at me screaming and hurting me appears at the same time. i can't seem to see what did i do wrong? i didn't yell, i didn;t scream, i didn;t hurt them........ y should i be punished? who do i express my feelings to? i want to hurt myself even more just so maybe they'll be happier. i wish i had the courage to cut myself deep wounds of memory i would initial their names so that they'll see their own record. but i don't i just know how to keep it inside like a invisible baggage carrying it around weighting upon me can't even breath or see light thru it. i use to be open abt it share my situation with a few others, but now that i think abt it y should they have that couple minutes for me listing to me what for? what rights do i have to invade their life with unhappiness. life is short, they should be able to exclude it. enjoy other things while they can.
December seems to be the month of joy and celebrations, not for me again. every year around this time or on my birthday or any other holiday there seem to be a fight. for what? don't know and don't remember. i know it's nth to be happy abt. am i cursed? when others r having fun i should be feeling pain? what am i? y do i deserve this? and by the way i don't even get a thank you. i think people should atleast thank me when they're taking it out on me. because they get to release what do i get? not even a thank you. but i guess it ok. i will hide myself from that so no one can find me. maybe then they'll miss me, miss me being around, because they'll have no one like me to release to. maybe then i'll look at them and feel sad for them.
what's left of me?... i look at myself i seriously can't tell... what am i good for? who's gonna save me? for what? to save another soul like me? is there anyone else like me? really? is there?
-sala<3