WHAT COMES TO MY MIND

it's been 3 month since my last log. looking back at my last entry it's a bit funny to me, at the same time i feel i've matured even more in God. victory is so sweet after the battle is won. as you all can see my life did not end in fact i am very safe and sound. in the past three month i've realized how important life is. the devil knows that too and he is always trying to destroy us. since my last entry that same day i didn't want to go home i spend all day at my high school best friend's house they were nice enough to me to have me there all day and join their family for christmas. but i had to go home at some point. i didn't want to go home, the minute i step out of her house i started crying again feeling sad and self destructive. i wanted a direction. i was driving didn't know where i was going to go. so instantly i thought of hospital, emergency room is 24hrs i can cry all i want and it won't be so cold there. so i drove to the nearest hospital. i parked my car walked in and started to cry my eyes out. as if someone really had died... i kept crying for like 20 mins all i can think of is how unfair i got treated and how unfair this world is to me. i couldn't think of anything to help me stop at that time i've pretty much cried all day i was tried and drained. a while late i've realized i got defeated i let my life out of control satan has completely taken over. once i realized the situation i knew i need to get myself together. i want to go home i need to be loved i'm not going to do stupid things to myself. life is hard but we do have choices. i began to think about my family my future my kids in the future and how much things that i still haven't done or experienced. i went home at 3 am day after chrismas eve. Jesus wasn't treated fairly but he did not end his own life. we all have a destiny in our life waitng for us to fullfill. I began to look back at my life, my mom was pregrant with me back in 1986 she almost lost me 8 times. each month she had to go get checkups for shots and medicines. finally by the time she gave birth to me i didn't cry when i was born the doctor told my parents that i was going to grow up unhealthy and have mental issues. my parents were devastated they begin to think to give up on me but my grandfather had faith in me he saved my life otherwise i would have been aborted. then when i was 7 years old my mom came to the states for work my dad felt insucure so he divorced my mom. at the time i didn't know what was going on i just knew i won't be seeing mom anymore. after about a year since their divorce my dad was sentenced to jail for 12 years. i basically grew up with my grandparents. they were alot older than my friends grandparents i realized later on my dad was adopted when i was 7 my grandparents were already in their late 60's early 70's. it was reallly hard for them to take care of me. both of them had alot of sickness. my dad owe alot of debt at that time we always had people knocking at our door at midnight. growing up i hated when the day gets dark i get so affraid to have to lights off. growing up with out both of parents left deep wounds in my heart. i don't know how it feels to have parents. i don't know how to become a mom to my own kids. long story short my grandmother passed away when i was 9. that really hit me dhe died next to me while we were sleeping around 3 in the morning. her and my grandfather are the two loved ones i know at that moment. they are the best people in the world to me. i was so young a naive that i believed good people don't die. i was so lost i wanted to know where she go. at that time i wasn't saved i didn't know anything. then my grandfather became my only backup. he got really sick after my grandmother passed away. i didn't know what to do beside looking at the days passing by us. not even a year later he passed away. for some reason i tried to held back my tears i wanted to be tough. i didn't cry. then i lived with one of my mom's sister. i didn't really connect with her family i felt like an orphan. i didn't go to school much since my parents weren't around. the place i lived in china wasn't very safe. at that time i was still a kid, i had no chioce but hanging out in the streets by myself. i would steel all kinds of things for the thrill of it. spending hundreds of money buying things to fullfull my empty heart. i was lost at the age of 11 i wondered what is the purpose of life. then my mom sent out an invitation for me to come to the US. at first i didn't want to come but i was desprate for a change so i came. i barely remember the memories we had. we struggled forever to get along. we were seprated for 5 years. she seems to be a complete stranger. her standards are totally too high for me to accomplish. its not that i don't want to it's just i never had the habit of studying. my grades fail miserbly but she tried so hard to help me but i had zero interest. thru my teenage years under my mom's parenting i had tutoring till the last year of my senior year of high school. i concidered myself a good kid, i wasn't influnced by any of my friends i never did drugs i don't steel anymore and i didn't join any gangs i just had bad grades. but i still didn't know where is my life going...
looking back at all those things the devil is trying so hard to mislead me. after i graduated from high school i went to vidal sassoon top 3 beauty school. the enviorment was very streeful i closed up myself i don't know how to express that feeling but i wasn't happy. i was very negative everytime i open my mouth bad words seems to fallow. when i was about to graduate that's when i came to impact harverst church. it caught my interest, everone seems happy. i wanted to know more what are they up to what is behind their gatherings. i went to my first camp in my life. one that i never will forget. the last night of the camp the pastor prayed for me all he said was "eventho your earthly father was never there for you your heavenly father has always been there for you, and he knows you and he loves you" as i'm typing this i still have tears in my eyes. i've found the answer that i've been looking for all my life. god exsists, he is real, he is among us. hes the one that's been watching over me, he has a plan for me since the day i was created. i am not an accident. the devil is trying to steel my life away but god has found me. i've always wondered so many worset things could've happened to me when i was in china but it didn't. y didn't i get into any relationships in high school y am i not hurt? who's watching over me? i felt like a kid who was lost for so long and just got united with my father. then i knew i belong to him the one and only living god. then after i graduated i got a job at the top 20 salon in the US. same situation long hours. always under stress and presure. i was full of hate and pride. i missed one sunday service after another then i stoped going at all. thru god's mercy and grace i was able to come back to him each time i backslide.
in the mist of all that a boy came in to my life. my first relationship :) i knew exactly what i wanted i want my first boyfriend to be my husband i just want one relatioship. so i told him that and he wasn't scared by my decisions. so our journey began. (details will be on the next blog)
well in the past three month i've learend life is not a mistake, we are not in control god is, satan will try to mislead us from our destiny but we can make the right choice to shut him down. god loves eventhou we are not perfect he loves us for who we are. he gives us hope.

Dear god:

u’re the only one I can talk to isn’t that sad? This world left me with no choice but to talk to u. If u're even here, why is it so hard to just make a living y does it have to be so complicated since life is so short. y does the pepople closes to u have to hurt u all the time. i feel so hopeless and helpless. i know it's not right to take my own life away but seemlike i don't have the option to stay alive. nth seems meaningful to me, i can't feel joy and happiness i can't seem to even communicate with others. im a human that lives like a handicaped. if there were an alien race i felt like an alien living in a human body. traped in a world that i don't belong to, nth here seem to interest me, and nth here seems like it need me. i didn't have a normal childhood, not a normal family, i do want to make things normal not perfect just peaceful can calm, and seems like that won't even happen. as a human being that believes there's a god theres atleast one person cares for me when others fail. but i don't feel that anymore either. i feel like a dead soul my spirit is fading away eaten by dead cells. my own flesh is not even fighting for itself. everything seems to be given up. it use to work for me to think abt there's people out there with worst situaion and make my self feel alittle better but now that doesn't even work. i use to like bring happiness to ppl by giving surprising and helping them. people just don't even seems care anymore. my heart is turning cold and stone hard. feelings doesn't exsist for me. anger and hatetred became closer they're dragging me to their own world. i have no patience what so ever nth seems to matter. wish i had the strength to walk off to the streets alone. maybe then time will go by slower and i will evaporated into thin air. i have nth to grab on to expect with a hope of god.

All I seek in life is love, love from family love from friends and love from my other half. I don’t seek for fame or popularity. I don’t see y is it so hard to accomplish that. After living on earth for 23 years, I still can’t seem to feel any of those 3 am I that hard to be loved? Am I not worthy to be loved? I suppose god Is the only one that loves me, then I guess I need to go see god. Living in pain and vain every second can throw u off like a lunatic. I think I’m normal, but at the same time I think I belong to a mental hospital. Crying doesn’t seem to help but, that’s the only emotion I feel. Each teardrops of I feel like blood is dripping from my heart. My heart Is pumping with anger and grief. depression seems to be my only status. everything i can think of is negative. fear of dying is closer to me by the minute. hell or heaven? maybe stuck on earth in between. whats after my heart stops i don;'t know will it be any better than right now? i really hope so. god if u know me well right i am a coward scared of pulling a knife and end my own life because in u that's a sin. if i do so then i won't even have the chance to see u. sitting here at work typing this message and feeling all these emotions makes me step out of my shell and look at my self and say. "how sad" and who cares? who really cares? no one! not even the computer im using, monitor staring back at me in peace. silently like usual reflecting the words from my heart. it's not the first time i feel like dying, my heart aches so much thinking of the memories i had. the smile on my face, with family with loved ones. but at the same time pictures of them yelling at me screaming and hurting me appears at the same time. i can't seem to see what did i do wrong? i didn't yell, i didn;t scream, i didn;t hurt them........ y should i be punished? who do i express my feelings to? i want to hurt myself even more just so maybe they'll be happier. i wish i had the courage to cut myself deep wounds of memory i would initial their names so that they'll see their own record. but i don't i just know how to keep it inside like a invisible baggage carrying it around weighting upon me can't even breath or see light thru it. i use to be open abt it share my situation with a few others, but now that i think abt it y should they have that couple minutes for me listing to me what for? what rights do i have to invade their life with unhappiness. life is short, they should be able to exclude it. enjoy other things while they can.

December seems to be the month of joy and celebrations, not for me again. every year around this time or on my birthday or any other holiday there seem to be a fight. for what? don't know and don't remember. i know it's nth to be happy abt. am i cursed? when others r having fun i should be feeling pain? what am i? y do i deserve this? and by the way i don't even get a thank you. i think people should atleast thank me when they're taking it out on me. because they get to release what do i get? not even a thank you. but i guess it ok. i will hide myself from that so no one can find me. maybe then they'll miss me, miss me being around, because they'll have no one like me to release to. maybe then i'll look at them and feel sad for them.

what's left of me?... i look at myself i seriously can't tell... what am i good for? who's gonna save me? for what? to save another soul like me? is there anyone else like me? really? is there?

Three years ago, we were abt to go to Las Vegas for a mission trip. Before we went, Pastor Jack asked us whats our purpose? sad to say none of us had the answer he was looking for. The answer was LOVE!!! at that time i was like what REALLY? love? it didn't make that much sence to me... at the time i felt cold hearted, cold blooded. Jack told me it's ok just pray about it. so i did, i prayed before we went, on our way there and while we were there. until the last night before we were leaving. during worship, i saw a vision, it was never so clear to me like that before. i saw a huge hole on the ground, huge dark circle all kinds of people standing in a line backwards falling in. there was handicaped, young adults, sick people, healthy people. just one after another falling into this deep dark black hole. at first i asked god what is this? there was no answer, then after a few seconds pass by, i started to cry out, i just want it to stop, i don't want to see people falling in anymore because i realized it was hell they r falling into. i was crying so hard then i realized the only thing that could've stopped them from falling in was JESUS. then i was shifted back from the vision, and i realized what love was, a deep desire buried inside my heart that i need to spread the gospel the all the unbelievers and let them know there is no other options it's either heaven or hell. there was no ending to my vision, until today 10/11/09. today is the day my lovely mother's baptisim! what a day~ best day in my life, there are no words to express how i feel abt this. i will share abt that later on. but during worship today, god showed me a vision again, i saw the black hole, and people falling into it. I was thinking no way, i've been here y this again??? so as i was watching this god showed me a different side of it. this time i saw the whole thing whats going on inside that wide huge tunnel 3D. inside on the brick walls there were drawings like pictures of school, buildings, parks. things that we go trhu in life. and as this person was falling down the tunnel they were looking at all the things on the sides of it, and each of them had jesus's shadow over it and i believe that's us ( light of the world) the believers, in different places. as this person continues to fall who knows when it will end at some point he or she gets touched by one of jesus's shadow and gets saved! all of a sudden this person that's falling is starting to trying to go back up, struggling to pull up on nth, because there is nothing for them to grab onto. i was looking and thinking what can they do at that time. because at this point if he falls to the end there will just be nth but burning fire of hell. so as this vision continues showing like a film infront of me. all of a sudden i see this hand so big enough to cover the whole width of this hole, placed beneath this falling person. the person's back hits on it, and it works like a sprung and shoots this person up. so powerful this person is basicly flying and it's getting brighter and brighter. then this person ended up next to Jesus sitting next to father God, in heaven. then i realized 3 years ago people that were falling into this black hole are the people i might have already known or about to know, who are unbelievers. including my mom. and this black hole is our daily life, going thru school, work, home, ect. and the shadows behind it are us light of the world, (believers) reaching out to the unbelievers that are falling, passing by us everyday. and once we reachout to them and they accept Jesus, they are willing to fight against whats causing them to fall to the end. and as they are trying to get back to the top, they'll realize it's not because of their own strength. god's hand shows up and helps them to get back to heaven. i couldn't stop crying at this point because, god showed me my mom. she was one of them who was falling into the whole, and she saw things on the wall, and as shes falling she felt god's love then she struggles to fight against hell. and god gave her strength to go back up and seats her next to him. what a victory~!!!! i just want to encourage who ever is reading this, if u are saved lest push and win as much souls as we can back for father god. and if you are not saved yet, i encourage you to find out more about this person name Jesus. he has your answers to life, you might be stuggling with life right now, but i tell you just give him a try and it doesn't cost you anything! you will not lose anything but gain abudantly from him. I pray in Jesus name AMEN!

wow i just realized it's been a long time. before i realized it, it's march 09! living day to to day with out a mission and a purpose makes u feel life is boring and empty. i tend to find myfelf fall into the devil's trap very easily. i always ask myself WHY?!??!???! don't u love god? don't u care and love people? don't want to see what god can do in ur life? my answers has always been yes but... god is not listening, he's not into me, i am not holy.... blah blah blah... day by day i fall into my own trap. i felt like a kid that did someting wrong and feels shameful to go home, and see my parents, i started telling myself they don't want me anymore.
but just recently with this past 2 months, i ran into momo randomly once at the bank, once at the mall, and once driving by her to me it was just a coinstance. until one day i recieved a hand written letter from momo saying shes been praying for me. she feels like the frst two time we ran into eachother at the bank and mall must means something so she told god that if she sees me one more time then it's time for me to come back to god. then days passes by she feels like she couldn't wait any longer so decided to give me a call to meet her up she had someting to tell me. so we met up in a restruaunt and she told me the story. then i asked her didn't u see me drive by u? and she was schocked, she said i wasn't sure that day if it was u or not, but i did see a car like urs drive by me. i decided to call u anyways because i just didn't want to wait for the third time anymore. but now she realized we did already meet 3 times in god's planing. she was so happy that answered her prayer, then she looked at me and said it's time to come back, god loves you very much he didn't give up on u and hes trying so hard to have you back. then i felt this loving kindness pouring into my heart. aftewards when i was on my own i forgot about everything again. i was back to my empty shell wondering around soulless.
just this past week, on thursday i woke up the bones in my neck was out of place, my neck was cricked i couldn't trun my head or lift my left hand. i thought it was a stiff neck from sleeping so i went to work anyways. but by the afternoon it was in severe pain so i left and went home. then that night momo and enoch prayed for me it was a bit better. so i took off work for 2 days, momo said i should go to church. i kind of hesitated at first but i went with her anyways. when i walked in and saw jack and annie prayed for me tears were falling like rapids. it felt like home, i was back to my guardians my spiritual parents. then on sunday i joined my brothers and sisters at suday service it was such a blessing. i realized i need to build a new foundation with god.
so now that i decided to leave the wilderness i'm looking back at how did i get there and how do i help others to get out. i realized a couple things i don't read the bible, and i don't pray. well that's the two basic things to do if u want to know god more and start a relationship with him. we need to spent atleat an hour everyday with god, u can't just do 15mins or 10mins it takes about that long for your mind to settle down and focus on god. praying to him its like couseling. except he's the best couselor ever, that has answers to everything and his ears are all your for free. so if u know there's a couselor like that out there wouldn't you wanna be the first one to show up and make an appointment whenever u can? and tell him every thing that's been bugging you and your worries?
recently i read in a book that god has at least 70,000 promises in the bible for us so if we don't read it how do we claim it? how are we gonna know what those things are? the bible was written for us, a love letter personaly from god. if we ignore it we're not gonna know what's instored for us. each scripture is speaking to us, not to peter, not to paul, not to john, it's speaking directly to us, to me to u. your bible is not just a bible, it's full of wonders and excitement papared from god for you to recieve.
when u read a verse u probably just read a verse like this for example 1 timothy 6:11-12 oh timothy you are God's man, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. 12Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. but if you treat your bible like it's your own message from god you change timothy and put your own name there and then read it again, like 1 timothy 6:11-12 oh michelle or _____ you are God's woman/man, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. 12Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. then this becomes a message directly from god to you.
the greatest place to start putting your own name would be john 3:16 for god so loved Michlle or ______ he gave his only begotten son that if michelle or _____ should believed in him, he/she should not perish but have everlasting life. how powerful is that? just to know god would have done it if i'd been the only person ever born. just like god would have done it for you if you'd been the only person in the whole wide world!

i encourage all of you to start putting you name in the bible and claim what god has given you.

OH SWEET JESUS.
THANKS for eveything.
on may 3rd was the day i need to pay my rent.
may 2nd my step dad asked me to deliever money to a employee. $350 he gave me $400 and let me keep $50 thank u jesus!!! i was so thrilled and happy to have $50 out of no where. then i went to work.
work hasn't been very busy lately, but somehow we were busy enough that my paycheck was double the amount the week b4~!!! thank u jesus!!! there was a product sale that day too and my stylist usually don't sell anything to her clients, but on that day everyone that came in asked her to suggest a product so she won the competition!!! $50 i was very happy for her. she looked at me and gave me $20 i was like what !!! i don't deserve it but she insisted so again i wanted to run outside and shout out jesus.
then after work i was sitting in my car prasing god super happy with the money i got to pay my rent. then i got a phone call from my stepdad, he said the employee came to his office and picked up the money this morning so i was like thinking uh what do i do with the money... and he said just keep the money because i know u might need it. my jaw like just dropped because my parents never really give me any money ever since like high school. for him to give me that much money was like totally god~!!!
god cares so much about me he knows what i need and when do i need it. and he is faithful through the time when i was poor even offering $1 was ripping my heart apart because i probably got it from recycling. but he's not looking how much u offer it's ur faith that touches his heart.
just when i thought this was it, god showed me even more. we can never imagine his limits. then mother's day came around i try not to spend too much like the years before but i still spend almost $100. i was thinking that it was a bit much for my budget. that night we had a party at my house and there was like 20 some ppl. and i was so tired already i didn't want to do the dishes and my stepdad cleaned everything, without even asking for my help i was so glad, he did that. because usually if we host a party i'm usually the one doing dishes. then i felt thristy so i went to the kitchen to get some water by the sink and the dishwasher was open and our family usually leave it open cuz they think it drys faster or sth. so i walked by it and i looked inside there was $100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! i was like no way!!! i stood there thinking someone left it? but y? maybe they think it's dirty? cuz it was wet. but then i thought how can no one saw it? it's like right there!! so i went to ask my mom if anyone put it there purposely and she didn't know anything abt it. then it just hit me like wow it must be from god!!! it's not like a dollar or five dollar bill it's $100 how can people forget abt it if they left it there on purpose. then when i was driving i felt god's love and glory so strong that i wanted to cry in my car, i began to scream jesus. u r so good~!!! u r sososo good!!!
he knows that by giving me that surprise i was gonna be thrilled. of course i was... then i began to text everybody. i didn't care if they believed it or not. and by testify him and glorify him he blessed me even more than i could ever imagine. you know the more he bless me the more i want to share his power and love to others, by me doing that he wants to bless me even more~!!! so on sunday jack asked me to share my experiences and i was like sure no problem~!
so i shared my blessings and blessed others on sunday. right before i was abt to leave i went to my car to get some money to make an offering, i took out a certain amount to offer and i was walking back to the church then i was thinking this amount is like nothing i took it out from my walet and my heart didn't even feel a thing so i told myself this is not right, so i walked back and i got 3 times the amount of what i was gonna offer. my heart definetly felt something this time, and my mind was thinking what am i gonna do for next month's rent and bills and blah blah blah... this is when i had to tell my mind to shut up and remind myself the ways god has been blessing me through those rough times. because if i don't let go and have faith in him then how am i ever gonna experience him like i had before. so i went in the church dropped off my offering. and right when i was walking out someone came up to me and said "here take it because god wanted me to give this to u and he wants u to have it." he/she stuffed it in my right palm, i felt it, it was money how much>? i didn't look but i was going crazy already i kept saying jesus jesus u're so good!!! i thank the person and walked to my car i looked and it was $200 i began to weep!!! god u're so good to me!!! u're always with me and u know me so well. hes like a very caring father. he encouraged me and loves me by his actions. i walked right back into church and shared what happened i want to encourage everyone, just put u're faith in god ~!!! i know u heard this many many times, u've heard many many testimonies like this but u need to personaly experience him, let me tell you it's way different than when u hear from other people. u can not trust or relay anything in this world, but if u put ur faith in god he will never let u down and he is a faithful god. he's always on time too. i can say ever since i believed in him, i've never regreat my decisions.
and if u think i'm just a lucky person, let me tell u, i'm only this lucky with jesus by my side, and u can be too just give jesus a try... see what happenes~